I have been married for 28 years now, and every year, until last year, I have kept the Karva Chauth fast with full faith and dedication following all the rituals and taking in my stride all the pain of hunger and deprivation (if I may call it! 😀)

After following something for so many years, why then did I so abruptly leave it all one fine day!? What changed within me or outside me for me to take this decision!?

Let me start from the very beginning. I have always seen my mother keep her Karva Chauth fast. Every year she would adorn herself, take out her red or near red coloured saree, cover her hands with mehendi, wear her tokens of marriage (the sindur, the bindi, the bichua, the Mangalsutra etc) and through her hunger, painstakingly make fancy festival food for all of us to consume at dinner. As kids, we used to enjoy seeing her dress, enjoy listening to the katha (religious tale that is the genesis of this fasting ritual) and gorging on the yummy food at night.

Though it seemed odd to me in ways (and I, somewhere in my subconscious mind was not so convinced), never did I question my mom why did she keep this very austere fast every year.

Every year, after seeing the moon (which for some reason always chooses to rise much later that day as compared to other days) she would touch my dad’s feet and then break her fast. And then we all excitedly consumed all the yummy food in practically 10 minutes, without giving even a mere thought to the hours that my mom had spent in the day making this food for us!

Cut to I now getting older and getting married. So the festival of Karva Chauth came and I was expected to do the same. And like a sincere, well brought up, cultured woman I too started fasting. ! I adorned myself with some finery (a little belligerent at not wanting to confirm to the norms and a little giving in to doing what was expected, all feelings woven and mixed into one) and fasted for the longevity of my husband. I dutifully read the age old tale, I performed the rituals, and I waited for the moon to rise so that I could break my fast and eat!

My hubby is a sweet guy and he too always kept a fast with me (perhaps more austere than me) all through these years, but right now it’s not about him, so let’s continue.

I have always questioned this ritual in my sub conscious mind but had never confronted or exposed these thoughts even to myself! The deep feelings that prevented me from opening up were 1. Fear- what if I stop fasting and something happens to my husband! 2. Guilt- What will people think of me! Can I not go hungry one day? And in my case, my husband was fasting too with me. 3. Not stirring the hornets nest- Why should I try and change things and draw attention on myself and my ideologies 4. Self testing- I can fast for one day for sure, even if it is in the name of a ritual, at least I am testing my endurance!

And so for 26 years I have fasted every single year, more out of all the above feelings than truly believing in the sanctity of this ritual!

Marriage is a result of 2 human beings coming together to live their lives together. The social construct of one assuming a higher ground to the other is, to my mind, itself flawed! We need 2 legs to walk… can we call one leg more important than the other? We need two hands to navigate our work… can we give a higher status to one hand as compared to the other?

We need both the man and the wife to make a marriage work….why then is this whole institution of marriage (and more so in North of India) set on the principle of a husband having a higher status as compared to the wife? Have you heard of any ritual where husbands fast for their wives?

All these social constructs are made to lower the status of the women as compared to men so that they continue to look up to their man and be subservient to them. They pray for their man’s well being for he is the bread winner of the family and the figurative head of the family! The laws (think HUF and Karta), the rituals and the culture have all been manipulated since time immemorial to benefit the man so much so that we have all started accepting it as a given and not once questioned it.

We all know that a number of men betray their wives, and trust issues are fairly common between husband and wife and yet all these matters are shoved under the carpet and a social image is portrayed that further accentuates the egos of men of how indispensable they are for their wives!

The wives keep their hurts hidden deep under their chests, where perhaps they themselves can’t reach, and continue to live and portray a make believe world where they deify their husbands as next to God, to be revered and venerated!

So what changed for me!?!

Well it was some time last year when I had a minor tiff with my husband! This episode made me do some introspection on the false egos that we are trying to fan in our men such that they start believing that they can get away with anything and their wives will take it (for what option do we have) and move on!

This episode made me feel unreal for giving the other person a higher status in our marriage. Marriage, to my mind, is a relationship of equals and let’s keep it that way. We both are needed equally to make the marriage work and deifying your men is nothing but fanning their already high self esteem, and giving them a signal of you being subservient to them!

And so I decided to change it for myself! Did I still have that Fear, Guilt and other feelings that I had talked about earlier when I took this decision.

Frankly, Yes! We are too deeply conditioned to not take big leaps of faith in what we truly believe and what we want to stand up for! But the only way this can change is by taking action despite the fear, the guilt and the disappointment that society might have from you for defying the norms!

The festival of Karva Chauth is here again, and while I choose to not keep a fast this year, I still pray for the well being of my family (including my husband, of course 🤗). I consider us equal and together we will work for the well being of our family. We have our differences, but we sort them out like two responsible adults who wish to make their marriage work and none of us believe that one is superior to the other.

What works for you is your choice, but this Karva Chauth do give a thought on why are you fasting!

Happy festivities!